Hi! I'm Amy :)

sometimes...

I just wish the world can see how hurt I am…

See how much pain I go through…

So they can just back the fuck off

celebrity crush

I haven’t had a celebrity crush in so long. The last time I had a celebrity crush was Keanu Reeves in Speed and Matrix. Now it’s Robert Pattinson. Yep! The main guy from Twilight lol. I didn’t think I’d follow the whole Twilight craze but most who know me, know I have a thing for Vampires. But that is not why I’m into him, something eerie about him when he’s not acting that is what I’m attracted too. O silly me. 

no such thing as love...

I’m over it, over things, over the people I thought was worth caring about, literally over everything. I’ve been cursed. To never be able to get close to anyone, because when I do, they always end up leaving me after they have accomplished what they wanted. It can be from friends accomplishing getting into modeling, making friends with my friends, getting VIP etc, once they accomplish that, then they disappear. Or it can be lovers, once they accomplish getting me to fall for them, they know they have me on their fingertips then they leave me or do whatever they want. 

The world is so corrupted these days, filled with people so fucked in the head its disturbing. People always compliment that its rare to find an honest pure heart like me, but yet what people don’t realize is many start off innocent, and just let the world corrupt them, to the point where there not anymore. Why can’t anyone just appreciate rather then trying to turn them to be as ugly as they are? It just shows how weak people are, and it’s funny because here I am sobbing about this, you would think I’m the weak one. I’m not. I’m strong enough to not be as fucked up as the rest of the world, I’m strong enough to be me, and just because you will see me cry over it, doesn’t make me weak, because when the crying is over. It just makes me stronger and stronger every time. It just sucks to have to go through this…I know if I was selfish like the rest of the world, I wouldn’t be in as much pain as I am now, but I have too much pride for that and I know there are others out there like me. We’ll find each other one day. 

regret...

I’ve been buddhist since I was really young. My family practices the Tibetan buddhism. I don’t follow the religion all die hard like, nor do I go to the temples and practice meditation and listen to the lectures. I feel that I already have a good understanding of it, which I honestly do. It’s been a year since I have gone back to the temple, just to see my teacher. He’s a very high ranked monk. For the past year, he’s been asking my mother to tell me to come and see him. I wish I went, he lives about 35min. away from me, and I didn’t because I was so exhausted with everything else going on with my life, and the fact that I don’t get along with my mom drove me more crazy. Every time I saw him, she had to be there, acting fake as if we are the perfect mother and daughter duo. He knew I was troubled and he was even going to design a tattoo art for me to get done as a protection and strength. I was mad, hurt, and sad to find that he passed away on Friday. Even though I wasn’t as close to him as many, he read me very well. He was one of the very few that understood me and the one who was always worried and cared enough about me, and to want to know how I have been doing, and what is going on in my life. The few where I felt like I was safe and at home whenever I saw him. Also now to hear my mother tell me that he said I could always look at him as a father to me since my biological father lacks in that department crushes my heart. I still can’t believe he said that, to offer to take me in as one of his own. She tells me now after he has passed. I’ve been needing nothing but that in my life and now it’s too late. I’m just angry at myself, I’ve been on a journey to not feel so alone in this world, and I had that opportunity and I just let it slip by. Now I’m alone again, and feeling more alone then ever. They said he wouldn’t give anyone the design of the tattoo till I was present because it was so special. Now they are telling me there’s another high monk willing to do it, but it’s not the same. I needed it to come from him, the one who understood me, the one who has seen all my pain and suffering, I needed that to just get me to keep pushing. I know I still can without it, but to know that he was forever going to be apart of me and with me made me feel safe, and gave me a better sense of contentment with myself. I’m just waiting for the day I can find that rare feeling again. 

I love you and you were the only person that felt like family…

music feeds my soul...

For some odd reason my love for art and music has grown tremendously within the past couple of months. Oddly my insomnia has worsen. I feel like my head is filled with so many new creative ideas its a bit overwhelming, and I’m just trying to find so many different ways to expose them and express a sense of who I am and what my style is usually by posting up the type of music I’m into. I love listening to music I can relate too such as Hollywood Undead being my number 1, then Linkin Park, and some Fort Minor.

I found this band City & Colour, can’t remember how I did, but I’m really liking their music, it definitely feeds my soul, it’s starting to be on my top 5 favorite bands. I remember I use to be all about rock, alternative, metal, and acoustic music, then I grew out of it for some reason and went into Hip-Hop, and now I’m back into listening to stations like KROQ. Man, hip-hop is truly dead, and I missed out on so many good songs. I feel kind of stupid for not knowing a lot of awesome rock bands and their hits now that you would hear on KROQ and that have been a few years old. I’ll get back into the groove again. To think of it, I do know how I got into Hip-Hop, it’s  because the guys I were dating were all about that genre, and I was an idiot for changing and molding my personality to fit theirs. Now that I have discovered my old love for the genre I originally loved, it strangely feels like I have found apart of myself again.

I have come to realize, music is a huge part of my life. I don’t know if it has to do with my father also being a musician. But it definitely runs through my blood. It puts me in the moods and gets my mind going. Strangely I also always find myself becoming friends with musicians from underground to well known artists.

I even started playing the piano again and started playing the guitar again. Believe it or not I’m starting to sing again too but I’m super shy about that, I rather stick to the instruments. I suck and need practice but it feels good. Plus nobody ever taught me how to play, I already knew how to play before I actually started going to classes for it. I know I don’t get along with my father, I don’t even look like him, but if anything, the only connection me and him share is the love for music. I’m on a mission to finding full contentment with myself and I know I’m going down the right path. This is just another step closer.

Check out those awesome bands I just listed, I know everyone will be able to relate to their songs, if you are into that stuff…

broken hearted..

I always thought a boy would be the one to break my heart, not my own family. It’s my fault I’m too weak to let them back in every single time. She walked out on me again today…thank god for linkin park…their music fits my life perfectly.

I wanna be in another place, I hate when you say you don’t understand…

You try to take the best of me, GO AWAY!!!!!!

picking up new hobbies

So I just decided I need to pick up some new hobbies, even though I already have a million things going on in my life. I’m pretty bored and have way to much on my mind. I need to do shit to release it. I’m learning how to play the piano, guitar, and sing again. Random huh? I know…

Also I’m going to start doing some video blogging for all you stalkers haha…enjoy my face and annoying voice fuckers

noob blogger!

Decided to create a blog so friends and whoever else that wants to stalk me can have a sense of being a little bit closer to me I suppose. What I do on a weekly basis, my bitching and rants, the way I perceive things, my random photography work etc., nothing exciting…I’m honestly a boring person, but you can be the judge of that.