goodbye my love...
Since I have broken up with my ex of 4 years from finding out he had an affair. It has honestly been very hard for me. I think I did a great job of hiding it but it ate me up inside to the point where I couldn’t anymore. I broke up with him and just never looked back and met someone new that is pretty much the man of my dreams.
My ex and I are were so well known in the scene I use to be in. Everyone knew of us as if we were the Jay-z and Beyonce couple. He was my first true love and he was everything to me till he changed and that’s when things got out of control and an affair happened and it was the end of it. It was painful and it still is especially having the affair with a good acquaintance of mine who’s also in the scene. It’s extremely hard for me to avoid what happened when like I said, everyone knew of us and a lot of people know of her.
It’s been nearly a year since I have left him. Now I’m in an open relationship with another man. For the whole time I’ve been with my new man, I have been very happy but at the same time, I have put him through a lot of crap with my downs and I feel so bad. I’m so grateful for his patience. I have a great feeling a lot of it is because I was honestly not over my ex and what happened.
I met up with my ex a few months back from a friend trying to mend things between us, it didn’t go so well. I wasn’t ready. Yesterday I finally felt ready, I tried the “out of site, out of mind” thing, but it didn’t work since we are affiliated with too many people who know this triangle affair. So I thought, I don’t want to be angry anymore and since I can’t just forget it like I wanted too, I tried to see if I can become his friend. I know I don’t love him like I use to. Will I always love him? Of course it will always be there, but it’s not the same. Will I ever forgive him? Absolutely not, there’s nothing to be forgiven.
We tried hanging out two days in a row, it was extremely hard and we got into arguements as well but finally after the second day I finally got to see the real him, the man I first fell in love with. I realized I was seeking for that person, I just wanted to see him again and have that moment we use to have again with him. I finally saw him shed real tears and hear him say everything he really wanted to say. We did hold each other and kiss but it was for the last time. And no, we did not have sex, that would have been too hard and that doesn’t belong to him anymore.
After having that moment with him again, I was finally able to stop crying and to finally be able to look him in the eyes with no hate or anger. It felt so good. Of course I’m still hurting cause I wish none of this ever happened but what I wanted was to not be angry anymore. It was the hardest good bye ever. To know this is my last time kissing him, touching him, holding him. My last time seeing his face. I finally left and didn’t shed a tear.
I deleted all of our pictures immediately when I got into my house. I also deleted a lot of our “friends” from the industry. I know they aren’t real friends. The industry is what tore us apart. I deleted them off my myspace, facebook, AIM, twitter, etc. I’m going to later collect all the love letters and things I have saved up as memories and burn them.
I have new friends now, not many but some and thats all I need. I have a new love and even though it’s an open relationship, he is amazing and it’s something I definitely want to see grow into something better someday.
It’s time for me to move on, stop being mad at what happened, and being mad at my ex. Stop being mad at what happened to me in the past with other people. Stop being mad with my family, although that’s going to take a long time to heal, I’m still working on moving out so the healing process can begin. I need to just be content, focus on me, and have a wonderful relationship with my love and friends.
This is extremely hard and so painful, but I know I’m finally starting the healing process.
9 months ago • 0 notes