Hi! I'm Amy :)

the world is cold

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 11:46:00 -0700

fuck…I’m turning into a cold hearted bitch. Nothing feels as good as it use too. Feels like pretty much nothing can please me anymore.

You wonder why there are so many fucked up people in the world? You wonder why men/women always complain about each other? Men always say that they cannot find a legit girl now a day, a girl who isn’t a slut or a party animal. Women always say they can’t find a man who is legit as well, can’t find a man who treats them with respect and who doesn’t have a cheating soul.

Back in the day in the time of shivery, people believed in romance, people didn’t think of each others opposite sex as “impossible” to be with in an intimate committed relationship. Now it’s so hard to find that right partner and have it last a life time. The majority of men and women use to be romantic with each other, now it’s more like a small percentage. Men and women use to have respect for each other, now I literally hear women being referred to as sluts or bitches like it’s nothing. Now when I listen in on conversations I just hear them say, “so that bitch/slut and I went to the party….” it’s just the norm now. As for men I always hear them being referred to dogs, douches, etc. It’s as if we replaced it with these degrading names.

I feel as if in most cases this was all started from each others opposite sex’s suffered from a broken heart. Some people have commitment issues, men and women. The ultimate heart break thing to do to your lover would be to cheat on them. It cannot get any worst then that. It is something that is nearly impossible to fix and something that would take a lifetime to get over, possibly never getting over. As in you may have moved on, but that pain will never be forgotten. I feel the answer to why our world has turn into a world with almost no shivery and just degrading each other left and right is due to broken hearts. Almost every person you come across now has been cheated on or has done the cheating themselves. Almost every married couple now will probably end in divorce usually over money which also can lead to affairs. Here’s what I think is going on, pretend this is you.

Man/Woman cheats… relationship gets destroyed, other partner(you) finds out, you guys break up then (you) go on a rebound. (you) hate the other sex now, has NO respect for them so it’s easy to go on a rebound. Rebound meaning have sex or hooking up with a bunch of people to try to see if that masks the pain or feel a sense of getting even with the person who cheated, or just being a heart breaker yourself because you have lost respect for the other sex. (you) then start having an image of being a slut/dog because now (you) are hooking up with people left and right and not having respect for the other sex. When rebound stage is over, (you) are still heartbroken because everyone knows, rebound is not the way to go, it will never solve anything, it will make matter’s worst and make yourself feel lower so therefore now you have the partner who cheated on you makes you feel even more mad/hurt for making you go through this, so the respect of the other sex just disintegrates more. To the point where you just don’t really want to be in an relationship anymore.

When you get to that point, you feel as if nothing is as satisfying to you anymore. You feel nobody can give you that love you once had before. Your wall is up and since it’s so rare to find that legit person now a day, it’s nearly impossible to find someone to beak down that wall. Then you yourself turns into a heart breaker. Just date people have fun with them but never take it further then just dating. While your at it probably date a few other people at the same time on the side. Then the other sex who would possibly want something more and sees that you obviously don’t because of your wall, will just end up being heart broken therefore hating the opposite sex more. It’s an on going cycle.

Music and movies in today’s world is always about cheating now, or just a hook up. It’s rare when you see a movie that has romance in it. When romantic movies come out it’s now viewed as cheesy or corny, reason being cause everyone has been broken hearted before one too many times, they don’t believe in romance anymore, it just looks like bs to them now. Movies of aliens look more legit then movies of romance. Music is all about partying, drinking, hooking up, sex, heartbreak, cheating. They are all top hits, but when a song comes out about love, romance… it doesn’t make it to the top, or doesn’t stay on top or even make it to the charts. Does anybody see this, see what’s happening to society, or is it just me?

It is so sad, and so unfortunate with what is happening to our world. Children are growing up with divorced families left and right and already have a bitter view of love and happiness. It’s all about wars now, and money. Even majors, governors, presidents, etc. they have sex scandals left and right! I know this is an issue that cannot be eliminated completely, but it can be limited. It can turn into a smaller percentage then what it is now. We need to change this somehow, fix this before we just turn into this dark world. No love, and just war with each other’s race and sex and money.

Entertainment industry has the biggest pull. They send messages out on tv, the big screen, radio, etc. I feel if we had more songs of romance, love, happiness and people listen to the radio everyday it will start getting to them again. Movies start making more movies of romance and love rather then movies of cheating it would help out a lot as well. I mean I’m not saying eliminate it all of course we need diversity and so people can feel like they can relate. But everyone has been in love and everyone has been broken hearted, people like watching movies and listening to songs of cheating because they can relate, but we need more of that love and happiness because people can relate to that as well. From what I see I feel we are nearly eliminating romance and happiness.

I hope people can see this on going cycle, and understand my blog.

Perfect song for this blog: Mad World by Michael Andrews

i hate boys/men

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 04:50:51 -0700

I’m seriously starting to totally disrepect guys. I know not all are scumbags but unfortunately there are way too many literally. There’s like 1% out there who aren’t and the rest just are. I’m just going to start calling them cunts, that’s like them calling girls bitch or whores. Fuck it we live in a fucked up world with fucked up people, I’m going to give them a taste of their own medicine. Karma’s a btich.

i can feel my soul getting darker

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:49:56 -0700

god help me

i feel stuck...and threatened

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 22:49:53 -0700

i wish i was stronger.....

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:05:00 -0700

help…

bad day =[

Sat, 09 May 2009 14:03:00 -0700

it’s so early in the day and so much crap happened in one morning. family drama, friends drama, my two dogs drama, ex drama even strangers giving me crap for just smiling. since when did having a smile on your face signify you are doing something shady? what is wrong with people now?! then i hear someone died and it’s like fuck that sucks. then i just end up having a freaking melt down and start sobbing cause i’m so damn mad at everything and call in to get someone to cover me and i can’t even get that done. Like no heart, “o you’re crying? well come in anyways”. I just want to be with my grandpa today, the one person who closely understands me and knows how to make me feel better and of course I can’t even be with him because of heartless people. What’s HILARIOUS is that I just woke up and all this CAME TO ME! it’s like national lets attack amy today. Also after work I have to go to my other job and I can’t get someone to cover that also. Today is my grandma’s bday who’s already upset at me and cried to me the other day that I’m too into work and not spending time with her when herself and the family gave me crap about needing to work more! I can’t ever do anything right!!! tomorrow is fucking mothers day, i’m going to have more shit tomorrow from my mom cause i can’t be with her either, cause i got work again that of course i can’t get off or have someone replace me and what’s also hilarious is i’m not even close with anyone in my family but my grandpa so why the fakkk do they care so much?!?! what’s fucked up is that i never ask for shit so the one time i do ask…can i PLEASE just get it please just let me be spoiled for one day.

ughh…good vent thank god for blogging

i want to quit

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:29:39 -0700

i feel like quitting the modeling and gogo dancing, maybe it will bring me happiness. nobody takes me seriously or even gives me a chance to show them i’m not the stereotyped model or gogo etc. it’s always used against me. i just want to be left alone and be happy. i thought i can change the stereotyped looked around to something more positive. i thought maybe if i got somewhere with this and people saw how real, honest, and down to earth i am, they would be more accepting of what i do and what many others do and that are in the same situation as me. but it’s just taking a huge toll on me, and i can’t take it anymore.

i feel so alone

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 11:18:51 -0700

can you be emo with me … i feel so alone

This life doesn't deserve me... I literally want to rest in peace..

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 06:27:00 -0700

I’m tired…I really need a break somebody save me

i want to be content

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:15:52 -0700

I wish I could be more content with myself. I seriously can’t stand the fact that I need a guy to fill this empty hole in my heart. I wish I can be fully content with myself and just live my life. Guys are good and bad, full of fun and stressful moments. Theres always ups and downs when it comes to being with a guy, which slows me down and makes me tired and sick. It’s funny… most girls depend on a guy for money, you know the “goodies”. I depend on a guy for love and affection, you know..the stuff that doesn’t cost a thing but yet guys have the hardest time doing. I just wonder if I grew up with a loving and close bond with my family, my parents and had enough attention and affection from them, I would not have to seek for that same attention and affection in a guy now. I am so deprived from it. I know I model and gogo dance, and I do get a lot of attention but thats not the kind of attention I’m longing for, and no, I did not get into the entertainment business for attention. That is just screaming out for the wrong kind of attention from the wrong crowd. I got into it cause I can, and I enjoy it. I just want to be in love and happy. I was at one point in my life, but like I said, apparently asking for just love and affection is too difficult for men to handle so they have to do something stupid to fuck it all up. Why is it that the simpliest things in life are almost the hardest things to achieve?

music feeds my soul!

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:41:22 -0700

just started spinning tracks again last night. feels good! haven’t done it in over a month! can’t wait for summer!

twitter??

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:29:12 -0700

k….i’m now addicted to twitter. o man.

I take it back…I do forgive him. I don’t want to be angry anymore…

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 10:55:03 -0800

I take it back…I do forgive him. I don’t want to be angry anymore…

City & Colour - As much as I ever could I finally understand...

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:36:59 -0800

City & Colour - As much as I ever could

I finally understand this song completely.

goodbye my love...

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 07:41:00 -0800

Since I have broken up with my ex of 4 years from finding out he had an affair. It has honestly been very hard for me. I think I did a great job of hiding it but it ate me up inside to the point where I couldn’t anymore. I broke up with him and just never looked back and met someone new that is pretty much the man of my dreams.

My ex and I are were so well known in the scene I use to be in. Everyone knew of us as if we were the Jay-z and Beyonce couple. He was my first true love and he was everything to me till he changed and that’s when things got out of control and an affair happened and it was the end of it. It was painful and it still is especially having the affair with a good acquaintance of mine who’s also in the scene. It’s extremely hard for me to avoid what happened when like I said, everyone knew of us and a lot of people know of her.

It’s been nearly a year since I have left him. Now I’m in an open relationship with another man. For the whole time I’ve been with my new man, I have been very happy but at the same time, I have put him through a lot of crap with my downs and I feel so bad. I’m so grateful for his patience. I have a great feeling a lot of it is because I was honestly not over my ex and what happened.

I met up with my ex a few months back from a friend trying to mend things between us, it didn’t go so well. I wasn’t ready. Yesterday I finally felt ready, I tried the “out of site, out of mind” thing, but it didn’t work since we are affiliated with too many people who know this triangle affair. So I thought, I don’t want to be angry anymore and since I can’t just forget it like I wanted too, I tried to see if I can become his friend. I know I don’t love him like I use to. Will I always love him? Of course it will always be there, but it’s not the same. Will I ever forgive him? Absolutely not, there’s nothing to be forgiven.

We tried hanging out two days in a row, it was extremely hard and we got into arguements as well but finally after the second day I finally got to see the real him, the man I first fell in love with. I realized I was seeking for that person, I just wanted to see him again and have that moment we use to have again with him. I finally saw him shed real tears and hear him say everything he really wanted to say. We did hold each other and kiss but it was for the last time. And no, we did not have sex, that would have been too hard and that doesn’t belong to him anymore.

After having that moment with him again, I was finally able to stop crying and to finally be able to look him in the eyes with no hate or anger. It felt so good. Of course I’m still hurting cause I wish none of this ever happened but what I wanted was to not be angry anymore. It was the hardest good bye ever. To know this is my last time kissing him, touching him, holding him. My last time seeing his face. I finally left and didn’t shed a tear.

I deleted all of our pictures immediately when I got into my house. I also deleted a lot of our “friends” from the industry. I know they aren’t real friends. The industry is what tore us apart. I deleted them off my myspace, facebook, AIM, twitter, etc. I’m going to later collect all the love letters and things I have saved up as memories and burn them.

I have new friends now, not many but some and thats all I need. I have a new love and even though it’s an open relationship, he is amazing and it’s something I definitely want to see grow into something better someday.

It’s time for me to move on, stop being mad at what happened, and being mad at my ex. Stop being mad at what happened to me in the past with other people. Stop being mad with my family, although that’s going to take a long time to heal, I’m still working on moving out so the healing process can begin. I need to just be content, focus on me, and have a wonderful relationship with my love and friends.

This is extremely hard and so painful, but I know I’m finally starting the healing process.

sometimes...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:55:00 -0800

I just wish the world can see how hurt I am…

See how much pain I go through…

So they can just back the fuck off

celebrity crush

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 08:15:05 -0800

I haven’t had a celebrity crush in so long. The last time I had a celebrity crush was Keanu Reeves in Speed and Matrix. Now it’s Robert Pattinson. Yep! The main guy from Twilight lol. I didn’t think I’d follow the whole Twilight craze but most who know me, know I have a thing for Vampires. But that is not why I’m into him, something eerie about him when he’s not acting that is what I’m attracted too. O silly me.

no such thing as love...

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:57:13 -0800

I’m over it, over things, over the people I thought was worth caring about, literally over everything. I’ve been cursed. To never be able to get close to anyone, because when I do, they always end up leaving me after they have accomplished what they wanted. It can be from friends accomplishing getting into modeling, making friends with my friends, getting VIP etc, once they accomplish that, then they disappear. Or it can be lovers, once they accomplish getting me to fall for them, they know they have me on their fingertips then they leave me or do whatever they want.

The world is so corrupted these days, filled with people so fucked in the head its disturbing. People always compliment that its rare to find an honest pure heart like me, but yet what people don’t realize is many start off innocent, and just let the world corrupt them, to the point where there not anymore. Why can’t anyone just appreciate rather then trying to turn them to be as ugly as they are? It just shows how weak people are, and it’s funny because here I am sobbing about this, you would think I’m the weak one. I’m not. I’m strong enough to not be as fucked up as the rest of the world, I’m strong enough to be me, and just because you will see me cry over it, doesn’t make me weak, because when the crying is over. It just makes me stronger and stronger every time. It just sucks to have to go through this…I know if I was selfish like the rest of the world, I wouldn’t be in as much pain as I am now, but I have too much pride for that and I know there are others out there like me. We’ll find each other one day.

regret...

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:36:19 -0800

I’ve been buddhist since I was really young. My family practices the Tibetan buddhism. I don’t follow the religion all die hard like, nor do I go to the temples and practice meditation and listen to the lectures. I feel that I already have a good understanding of it, which I honestly do. It’s been a year since I have gone back to the temple, just to see my teacher. He’s a very high ranked monk. For the past year, he’s been asking my mother to tell me to come and see him. I wish I went, he lives about 35min. away from me, and I didn’t because I was so exhausted with everything else going on with my life, and the fact that I don’t get along with my mom drove me more crazy. Every time I saw him, she had to be there, acting fake as if we are the perfect mother and daughter duo. He knew I was troubled and he was even going to design a tattoo art for me to get done as a protection and strength. I was mad, hurt, and sad to find that he passed away on Friday. Even though I wasn’t as close to him as many, he read me very well. He was one of the very few that understood me and the one who was always worried and cared enough about me, and to want to know how I have been doing, and what is going on in my life. The few where I felt like I was safe and at home whenever I saw him. Also now to hear my mother tell me that he said I could always look at him as a father to me since my biological father lacks in that department crushes my heart. I still can’t believe he said that, to offer to take me in as one of his own. She tells me now after he has passed. I’ve been needing nothing but that in my life and now it’s too late. I’m just angry at myself, I’ve been on a journey to not feel so alone in this world, and I had that opportunity and I just let it slip by. Now I’m alone again, and feeling more alone then ever. They said he wouldn’t give anyone the design of the tattoo till I was present because it was so special. Now they are telling me there’s another high monk willing to do it, but it’s not the same. I needed it to come from him, the one who understood me, the one who has seen all my pain and suffering, I needed that to just get me to keep pushing. I know I still can without it, but to know that he was forever going to be apart of me and with me made me feel safe, and gave me a better sense of contentment with myself. I’m just waiting for the day I can find that rare feeling again.

I love you and you were the only person that felt like family…

"So there goes my life, Passing by with every exit sign. It’s been so long, Sometimes I wonder..."

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:33:17 -0800

“So there goes my life,
Passing by with every exit sign.
It’s been so long,
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong.
No sleep tonight,
I’ll keep on driving these dark highway lines.”

- City & Colour